drowning but still holding on.... barely...

I feel i'm in the wrong line,

i've never liked maths, calculations, or even 2+2....

and yet here i am doing the thing i have to do, supposed to do.

I'm in a sinking ship still trying to hold on, but now i'm wondering should i just let go?

Will it be difficult?

Will i regret this decision?

What if a rescue boat comes a second too late?

It's only a decision, a simple one i've been told,

however it is one that will not only change my life

but practically affect the lives of everyone around me.

If i were to decide what my heart decides,

will i be selfish?

will i be cruel?

Some may say it's a difficult decision to make,

some say it's an easy one.

Just follow ur heart, ur dreams, ur imagination.

I'm afraid it's not that simple...

oh, how i wish it was.

You have no idea how badly i wish it would be simple,

if only you had an inkling of how i felt...

I've been pushing this issue far behind in my mind until it had to jump in my face and say i'm still here....

...Deal with me it said....

As i've mention, if only it were that easy....

I often wonder what life would be like.....

If i had chosen differently,

stood by my decision instead of bending like a willow tree...

so pathetic, such a disgrace...

If only i had stayed true to myself,

alas, it can only be a dream.... out of my grasp no matter how high or far i reach for it.

Believe me, i've tried... and only succeeding in failure.

I've always been fond of reading, writing, ever since i was a young lass...

How could u have not seen that?

wasn't it obvious enough?

My collection of books?

My diary full of short stories and poems?

Lyrics and songs?

To talk of such things, it is a taboo...

never to be mention, spoken, nor even thought upon...

like a fairytale, of dragons and demons or witchcraft...

only to be enjoyed upon never to be taken seriously...

But alas, what's the use of thinking better yet mentioning these thoughts aloud?

It's over, finish, finito, fin....

It will have to be erased from my mind, from my thoughts, and from my soul...

As i once heard, nobody said it would be easy...

Yet, i still wonder what would i've done if i knew then what i know now?

As a line of lyric taken from one of my favorite song:

"if we could only turn back time, but i guess we'll never know"